Tis the night before Christmas

I said with a smirk

Not a thing makes me happy

Cause I’m stuck at work.



My coworkers and I

Looking pissed off and grim

Were working like slaves

Cause the boss locked us in



The stockings were hung

On the oven with care

In the hopes that my

Underpaid ass would be there



The children were all tucked in

Thanks to my mom

Thanks God for bored Grandparents

They are ‘da Bomb!



And me in my high heels

And coffee on tap

Had just settled in

To take some more crap



After 14 straight hours

Of nagging phone calls

We heard a disaster

Right out in the hall



Away to the glass doors

We flew in a minute

Ran out in the hallway

To see who was in it



The moonlight reflected

On broken sharp glass

And my scrooge of a boss

Was laid out on her ass



She was covered in cheese balls

And red Maneschewitz

Her salmon gift basked

Was tore up and shredded



Crackers and caviar

Splattered the wall

Cause the Salvation Army

Had paid her a call



In a shiny red suit

With his kettle and bell

A Jolly old Santa

Cried out with a yell



She’d tried to shove past him

All snobbish and crass

Tripped over his tripod

And fell on her ass



He reached out to help her

That frigid old shrew

When she slapped him away

And screamed out “I’ll Sue!”





Do you see that Menorah

She screeched like a witch

And he said with a grin

“It ain’t Hannukah Bitch!”



“Tis the season of Christmas

Good tidings and more

For helping the needy

The sick and the poor”



“I help them out plenty”

She spat in the gloom

“Just send them on over

I’ll rent them a room.”



“You can send them in buses

In cars or in coaches

I’ll give them a place

They can share with the roaches”



Poor old Santa went white

The same shade as his beard

He simply could not believe

What he’d heard



“That’s revolting” he said

As she shrugged off the cheese

Then she did something awful

And he sank to his knees



We stood there in horror

At the end of the hall

While she used her Prada’s

On his Jingle Balls



As he lay there in pain

Writhing hard on the floor

She picked up her fish

And walked straight for the door



When what to our wondering eyes

Did appear

But a bear of a man

In Armani snow gear



His jewelry was tasteful

Manly and well done

And the gold on his fingers

Didn’t clash with his gun



He saw the poor fat man

And said “What the heck”

Head turning on shoulders

Cause he had No Neck!



He then drew a bead

On her pointy old head

Squeezed off a few rounds

And shot the bitch dead



As he passed by the carcass

That lovely old Mick

He hissed through his lips

“No one fucks with St. Nick”