There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that caffeine is addictive and dangerous. There have cetainly been enough studies done over the years to prove its harmful effects; heart problems, sleep disorders, high blood pressure, cancer, etc. In keeping with the trend of all things wonderful and pleasurable in our modern day world, we can all be assured that caffeine will eventually kill us all in the most horrible of ways. Despite these dire warnings, I still have to wonder if caffeine isn’t a product of divine inspiration. Those of us who worship daily at the local Starbucks can certainly attest to the fact that life and everything about it positively SUCKS until after that first cup of coffee in the morning. It certainly puts a spiritual spin on my commute as the cappuccino rushes through my brain and lights up my synapses into a near euphoric, or dare I say, orgasmic state. This morning as I sat in bumper to bumper street traffic, sipping my mocha latte and chasing away the demons in my mind that repeatedly whisper “drive-bys are simply retroactive birth control”, I passed by my local psychic who, for the third time in a year, had a sign outside of her door that read “Under New Management – Special Introductory Price”. Now when I first saw this sign months ago, I had no clue what to make of it. My infinitely sarcastic mind could only laugh and say “betcha didn’t see that one coming!” But since I was firmly entrenched in my philosophical coffee coma and inching along at an exasperating 5 miles an hour, I had time to ponder the circumstances that would lead to such cosmic contradiction.

I started with the metaphysically ridiculous habit some of us have of reading the daily horoscopes. Despite the disclaimer that their predictions are purely for entertainment, we read them with wanton expectation every morning hoping that some miracle is going to occur that will send prince charming to our door, shower us with riches or make all our dreams come true. More often than not, it reads something like “Mars is in Uranus which will cause you to most likely experience conflicts that will test your ability to cope.” Translation: “your boss didn’t get laid last night, is in a nasty mood and is going to put his foot up your ass before noon.” Hey, the planets don’t lie. Now those people who swear by these little peccadilloes of predetermination will instantaneously put themselves into a miserable mood in preparation for a positively horrible day and subconsciously do everything they can to help it come true. The more enlightened and learned connoisseurs’ of astrology will simply get a second opinion. We tempt fate and switch to the Chinese horoscopes just to verify what the standard westernized hippie version has to say, often with completely contradictory results. Suddenly you have a choice of how your day is going to go, which stresses you out even more than if you just would have bent over and taken that first prediction with a smile. So what’s an open minded person to do in such an instance? Why, switch over to the numerology page of course! It’s a bit more complicated to get information out of but it’s sure to bring about some compromise of the previous two. And if those options fail to clear up your mental miasma, you can always delve into the truly down and dirty and get a tarot reading of all things lustful and dire.

Given the obvious ease with which we humble humans are willing to migrate our belief systems in search of a positive outcome, it’s no surprise that a psychic would have to adapt to meet the needs of her consumers. As I pass the dirty yellow banner with the absurd red declaration of a spiritual discount, I conclude that such cosmic confusion is what this poor working woman is trying to resolve. Perhaps the recession has caused an upsurge in inter-spiritual contact making it necessary to give time to the Hindus, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the Pagans, and any one of a million variations of them all. Thus the phrase “Under New Management” would seem to indicate a change in carrier for the Almighty switchboard. Sort of like migrating your i-Phone from AT&T to Verizon, there must be an “app” for that and this woman seems to have found it. For an instant, I ponder the results of stopping in for a quick reading while traffic thins out. Perhaps I’d get a better response from Vishnu than Jehovah or perhaps Buddha would have something more positive for me to look forward to today. Oh who the hell am I kidding, this woman is about as psychic as a road apple. The whack job lunatic with the sign on his neck at McDonalds could give me better advice an all it would cost me is a Happy Meal!

And despite my momentary lapse of complete sanity, due to my outrageously expensive Starbucks caffeine buzz, I realize that I am still an educated human being of considerable intelligence and common sense. The light turns green and by some miracle of God, traffic lightens up and I speed away from this cosmic charlatan, confident that I will defy the fortune telling freak show Gods today because, despite the absence of a candlelit dinner and a movie, I can still tell when I’m about to be screwed.