In the light of day, when the sun is shining and the world is moving ever forward, we consider our goals and dreams and ponder "what if...?" What if I quit and start my own business? What if I say hi to that cute guy in the Starbucks today? What if I win the lottery? What if I go back to school? We let our imaginations soar and hearts take flight and we ask "what if?" with all the expectation of hope we can experience.

But it's not sunny outside or even daylight. It's 2:30 in the morning and the world is pitch black. I'm cocooned in my blankets to keep off the night chill. I rub my hands along the cool cotton sheets in an effort to lull myself back to sleep. But I can't because my mind keeps asking "what if?" I don't want to ponder this question in the dead of night. There's no sun to give me hope. There's no hustle and bustle to keep my mind moving ever forward with possibilities. There is only darkness, the quiet little beeping of a thousand preset electronic gizmos that must run continuously. Outside these blankets there is only cold, still air. In this space at this time "what if?" is ominous. "What if?" becomes the manifestation of my regrets and my fears. What if I had payed closer attention to the recruiter at school sold me a bill of goods? What if I try to open my business and fail? What if I say hi to the cute guy at Starbucks and he looks at me with disgust? What if I never escape my job that I hate? Sometimes, it gets even more ominous than this. I struggle to redirect my mind and force it into a pleasant dream state. I flood my mind with fantasies and sexual imagery. Anything to stop the oncoming introspection but it's to no avail. I don't want to relive the pains of the past that I know "what if?" will bring. What if I had been a better wife? What if I had stayed pregnant? What if I had actively gone looking for Mr. Right instead of settling? What if I'm not meant to have a family of my own? What if I am being punished for how I have wasted my life? What if I am just doomed to be alone forever? My mind swirls like a television set flying through channels because someone is sitting on the remote. The life I want. The life I have. The life that is so far outside of my reach. My fanatasies. My dreams. All of it fighting for supremacy in my exhausted mind.

But then "what if" throws a question that silences everything and makes me consider the truth of my life. What if you had refused to take the job you hate? I would never have met the wonderful friends that I know and love even though they are leaving me for parts unknown and I am saddened by the distance. What if you hadn't moved back home after your relationship ended? I reach out and caress the thick fur of my sleeping cat who instantly begins to purr with love. The answer to what if: I would have been broke and alone and he would have died. I would've missed the opportunity to rescue him from the streets, share his life, and enjoy the wonderful companion that he has become. What if you had left home and moved away like all of your friends? I would not have been there when my mother's breast cancer had arrived or when she was shaking and crying with grief at the loss of her dearest friend. What if I had made different decisions in life than the ones I had? Maybe I would have been rich and powerful and thin....but I would not have loved the people that I love. I would not have enjoyed the moments that I have enjoyed. I would have missed a lot of pain but more importantly I would have missed joy.

The answer to "What if" is simply this: it doesn't matter what if because it never happened. What matters is not "what if" but "what next". Regret belongs in the past and not in the present. Bury it deep in your heart with the most painful of experiences and lock the door. Fear is a product of the night and when you are alone it can be powerful and daunting. I think we live in fear because we fear living. That is not life. That is death. I don't want to die so I must live beyond fear. And so I will wake tomorrow and not ask "what if?". I will not face the day in fear. I will ask "what next".

I think I can finally sleep now.