One of the biggest fears about government run healthcare is that your health care would be put squarely in the hands of a government analyst and completely out of the doctors’ hands. Do you want your health being held hostage by a bureaucrat? Say it isn’t so! We will be forced to fight and scream and beg for our basic benefits. Life saving procedures and medicines would be withheld pending review while millions of us will die waiting for the sea of red tape to part and approve our healthcare. Non medical personnel will be making decisions about what treatments we can or can’t have without any medical knowledge or training whatsoever. And we won’t be able to sue them for withholding treatment and causing all kinds of death and destruction because you can’t sue the government! My God it’s the end of everything. The apocalypse is here!

But…..I have a question to propose. And don’t act like you didn’t know this was coming. Your average bureaucrat at the administrative analyst level, has a college degree and a Federal job. He sits at a desk and has no medical training whatsoever. He gets 3 weeks vacation a year, a solid comfortable salary, union representation, every paid holiday on the planet plus 2 personal days to use whenever he wants. His benefits are the best there is and don’t cost him anything. He has a credit union that won’t go under. His retirement is matched and he’s completely vested within 5 years. And it would take an act of terrorism to get him fired. I don’t know about you, but this sounds like one happy son of a bitch to me! Your average insurance claims processor has a job that depends on his denial of your benefits. He gets paid an average salary that only increases with commissions for every claim he denies. He works long hours and has to listen to people whine and cry and beg for coverage because they are sick and dying. Unless he is one merciless, uncaring dickhead, he takes two Xanax with his morning coffee just to stomach his job and three shots of bourbon to get to sleep at night. He has the better health benefits than you do through the company. He gets a weeks vacation that increases every year he is there but this hardly happens because people don’t last very long in his job without psychological treatment, and this isn’t part of his coverage. His job is secure only as long as he saves the insurance company money by denying you coverage. But…and here’s the really great part about private insurance….he has bosses that are actual medical doctors with years of experience. These guys are the icons of modern medicine. They are so qualified it’s astounding. Now these guys are actually worth the billions in profits a year that insurance companies make by letting people die. So it may take a few years and about seven lawyers to get them to answer your letters begging for the healthcare you paid for, SO WHAT! If you lasted that long then they were right anyway and you didn’t need the treatment. Problem solved. These are the guys we WANT making our healthcare decisions. It doesn’t matter if they say ‘No’ to a life-saving operation. They’re doing their part to keep my premiums down and my health insurance provider in the black! Wow! They’re real doctors with diplomas and everything.

Now we also have to realize that there are unscrupulous doctors out there that were car thieves before they went to medical school. They see an illness as an opportunity to hack off body parts. They practice medicine like a hospital is their own private chop shop. We see warnings in the news all the time about the propensity for doctors to rip out your organs rather than treat the illness affecting them. This is especially true with women since a hysterectomy or a mastectomy is a hell of a lot more fun for the surgeon than chemo. He gets to root around in your innards while listening to 80’s hair bands and he doesn’t have to listen to you whine about your vomiting, your hair loss, or that the pills are making you fat for the next 5 years. We need some form of oversight to make sure that these hacks aren’t taking advantage of their patients. In the past we’ve used things like common sense to serve this purpose but it failed miserably. Then we invented something called second and third opinions but your insurance company will always go with the cheapest option so that didn’t work out so well either.

So here we have a choice as to whom we really want making our healthcare decisions. We can have the happy, well paid oblivious bureaucrat who goes to work with a smile on his face and goes home felling that he actually helped people each day. Or we can have the drugged out alcoholic, amoral, asshole who goes to work each day knowing that his job and bonuses depend on your dying before you can cost the company more money than you’re worth. My mother taught me when I was a child that life is too short to spend time with assholes. So with all due respect to the alarmist right wing, I think I should follow mom’s advice.

Besides, when did the Federal Government ever provide you with a real doctor to help you? I’ve been in public hospitals and urgent care centers and I’ve seen what they have masquerading as caregivers. There are no plush offices with diplomas on the wall. There are no doctors and nurses there. The Feds go down to skid row and hand out white uniforms and lab coats to bums and homeless people. They tell them to take a shower, use some deodorant and shave. They tell them to put on the uniform and show up at the big concrete building down the street. When you arrive we’ll give you knives and needles and drugs and we’ll let you torture the working class for free! Those aren’t real doctors and nurses. It’s a Communist Government plot to pull the wool over your eyes! They want you to get used to being cared for by bureaucrats and homeless people so that when Universal Healthcare becomes a reality, you won’t know the difference!


You know, back in the good old days, the mob invented insurance. They would send a bunch of guys with baseball bats and clubs to your place of business and fuck with you. They would demand that you pay them protection money so that nobody else would fuck with you or else they would fuck with you some more. The fact that nobody was fucking with you to being with didn’t matter. So you paid through the nose and nobody fucked with you because you had insurance. And it worked! This was the successful business model as it was originally conceived by those bastions of business acumen; the Mafia. But something has been lost along the way. Insurance companies today do business by new methods. They follow the psychological principle of denial. See most of us live in a state of denial on a daily basis so they’ve simply taken that premise and made a completely new business model out of it. We pay them to perpetuate our state of denial. We pay them for healthcare and they deny us. We argue with them and they deny us. We sue them and they deny us due process. Instead they give us this nasty little thing called impartial arbitration where both sides sit down outside of a courtroom and argue over why we are being denied the healthcare that we paid for. But since the arbitrator is hired by the insurance company, how impartial can he be? We deny that universal healthcare will do anything but destroy our American way of life. But we also deny that we’re being driven to bankruptcy and death by private insurance companies through stress and denial of decent medical care. Maybe we should all go back to doing business the way the mob did it long ago. We pay you and nobody fucks with us. It’s either that or Universal Healthcare Comrade!